The other night, as I was leaving a party and conversing
with someone who I greatly respect, I was complimented in a way that took me
aback. She told me that I seem to be more comfortable in my own skin now than
when we first met. This took me aback not because I’ve always felt comfortable
with who I am but because I’m still not comfortable with who I am for the most
part.
If I am completely honest, much of the time I feel as though
I am walking a tightrope, trying to maintain the delicate balance of femininity
and nerdiness. I don’t mean to say that nerds cannot be feminine. This is the
furthest thing from the truth, but as discussed in some previous posts, the
realms of nerdom seem to be dominated by men. Women and girls who find themselves
as fans of things like comic books, sports, gaming, professional wrestling, etc.
are often categorized as a tomboy. When you throw in the issue of gatekeeping,
there can be some pressure to be seen as “one of the guys.” This is a
double-edged sword for many of us, but I’m not going to discuss the
relationship aspect.
I am not a girly girl. Although to be honest, I’m not even
sure what that means anymore. When I was younger, it meant that I wasn’t super
into playing with dolls, wearing dresses, the color pink, and so on. I had
Barbie dolls, but to be honest, I mostly used them to put on plays that were
self-written. My younger sister and I grew up in a neighborhood where there was
only one other girl, so it was natural that we played war, baseball, football,
and such. I gravitated towards the things that the boys liked simply to have
someone to play with.
Then I went to school where there were certainly more girls,
but I didn’t really connect with them in the same way. I was usually the only
girl on the playground playing with the nerdy guys as we played Transformers,
Thundercats, or Ghostbusters. Granted, I usually had to play the token female
character, but it definitely wasn’t jumping rope like many of the other girls.
I was different, and this was made abundantly clear not only by how I was
treated by the other girls but the boys as well. I had joined the club and seen
as one of them.
As I got older, I wanted to be seen as more of a girl while
still maintaining a certain level of nerd cred, but I am more comfortable in my
jeans and comic book shirt than I am in a dress. If I’m in a group of people I
don’t know, I am certainly more likely to try and strike up a conversation with
a guy than a woman because I’m more certain that I will have something in
common with him. So I began to question how I can be seen as both a woman and a
nerd.
This has become easier as retailers begin to cater more to
the female fan. In recent years, I have been able to purchase leggings and
dresses that allow me to express a more feminine side while clearly stating that
I am indeed a nerd. Stores like Hot Topic and ThinkGeek.com have options that
fulfill this desire. I can buy a corset in Star Trek science blue or a dress
with comic book characters, but this is still a case where we are fitting our
definition of femininity into a socialized gender norms.
I’m trying to be more comfortable in my skin. I do have a
strong sense of who I am and know what I like. I can be pretty vocal about it,
but I still have doubts whether that makes me the awesome person that others may
see. I’m still just trying to navigate and figure it all out even if it seems
like I have all of the answers.
No comments:
Post a Comment