Confessions of a Geek Girl Pt 9: #MeToo

I thought long and hard about sharing what I am about to share. It seems like something that so many women have gone through that I am just another voice in the greater chorus, but I realized that, even though it’s not something that I hide, I’m not forthcoming with the story either. When I saw the hashtag “Me too” going around on Facebook, I posted, but I didn’t really share my story. The truth is that it isn’t really just one incident but a series of incidences that so many women have also experienced.

When I was in middle school, I was a chunky, smart girl with glasses. I was also a joke to the popular guys in my class. They thought it was funny to pretend to like me. They would say crude things to me about my boobs (I was a DD cup by the time I was in 6^th grade) and make comments about how I probably stuffed my bra. They made me feel self-conscious about how I looked and all I wanted to do was hide my figure under the baggiest clothes I could find. Even if someone had honestly expressed interest in me, I wouldn’t know it because I had become so skeptical about any guy showing me any attention. I let their behavior towards me affect who I would be and didn’t date until I was senior in high school.

The next incident that shaped who I would be happened in college. I was a freshman and went out to the local bar. It was a place that was right by campus so everyone always went there to hang out and dance on Wednesday and Saturday nights. The place had a dance floor, and I loved to dance. This was 1998 so really the style of dance was more about grinding your body against other people. I was a sweaty mess from dancing in a large group of people. As I was leaving the dance floor, a football player grabbed my breasts and said “Nice tits.” I turned around and hit him. I was then asked to leave, and he faced no consequences for his actions which also included being drunk underage. I was sober at the time. Now, I do have to say that this guy was also in my Intermediate Composition class and did apologize for his behavior, but I just accepted his apology as pretended as if everything was ok and that it was no big deal. This was just more of my conditioning to accept any way that men chose to behave towards me. It was just the way that it was.

Now on to the age of 22, I was a recent college graduate and living back at home with my parents and had only had sex once before I began dating a guy who had an alcohol problem. He would drink heavily, and he was an angry drunk. Sometimes he would drink to the point of blacking out. It was one such evening when we were out at one of the clubs in my hometown, and he was clearly too drunk to drive home. It had been a nice summer evening, and my parents’ house where I lived was only about four blocks from the club, so I had walked down there to meet him. At the end of the night, he was too drunk to drive home, so I took his keys and drove him to my place. My dad was working third shift, and my mom was in bed asleep by the time we got there. We went up to my bedroom to go to sleep; however, he had other plans. He began to kiss and grope at me. He was very drunk and rather rough. I told him that I thought we should just go to sleep, but he really wouldn’t take no for an answer. He tried to have sex and held me down in my own bed. I can’t say that I was raped, but this was really only because he was so drunk that he could not maintain an erection. At this point, he passed out in my bed while I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I had bruises on my arms and legs. He had no recollection of what had happened the night before. 

It was at that moment that I should have broken up with him, but I stayed. I had convinced myself that this wasn’t a big deal. He had been drunk, and if he was sober, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. I told myself that it was all my fault because I brought him home when he was drunk. What else should I expect in terms of his behavior? Hadn’t I already learned how drunk guys acted? As much as I tried to be ok, from that night on any time that he would try to kiss me or touch me, my body would immediately tense up. He became angry with me for my coldness and frigid behavior. I still hadn’t told him what happened, but I kept apologizing that I was so tense. He eventually broke up with me because every time he tried to be intimate I would become so tense. 

I am aware that there are some women and even men who have experienced far worse than what I have relayed. I think that reality is what kept me from sharing. I’ve come to realize though that these smaller incidences are all part of the bigger problem.

So yeah, #metoo.

Worst Kept Secret in Hollywood: Powerful Men Behaving Badly

This week Hollywood has been racked with a scandal of epic proportions in the allegations of sexual harassment and assault perpetrated by Hollywood powerhouse Harvey Weinstein. Weinstein has been the name in industry when it comes to the independent film industry. However, over the last thirty years, he has used his power and influence to take advantage of countless women in the industry.

The thing is that as much as men in Hollywood and even the general public are “shocked” by these revelations, the truth is that this is an old story. Weinstein’s actions aren’t a new phenomenon in the industry. This is old hat. Tales of the “casting couch” go back decades. It’s been a trope in cinema for years. Of course, most often, we are looking at a “by-gone” era that no longer exists, but the truth is that this type of behavior never went away. We just hid our heads in the sand and deny the truth.

However, as the days go by more and more women are coming forward. This is great that they no longer have to feel the shame or worry that often pushes women into silence about their abuse and assault. As I heard the news and read more and more accounts, I grew more disgusted. The problem is that it wasn’t the behavior that disgusted me the most. Of course, I was disgusted that all of this happened to these beautiful talented women from Rose McGowan, Ashley Judd, and Gwyneth Paltrow, but I was more disgusted by the fact that I wasn’t surprised that this still happened.

Here is a link to an article with all of the women who have made allegations so far: 

Harvey Weinstein: All of the Women who have Made Allegations against Him so Far

We live in a world where a man can brag about sexually assaulting women in a recorded conversation and still be elected President. His talk was dismissed as “locker room” talk. I wrote a blog earlier this year about the Women’s March and why feminism still matters. This is exactly why it still matters. We cannot ignore that “leaders” of our country profess to be disgusted by this type of behavior in one breath but still hold up a system which allows it to happen. In the face of the infamous Hollywood Insider video, Billy Bush lost his job for his participation in the conversation, but the GOP did not withdraw Trump from their party’s nomination. So many Republicans condemned what he said but did nothing when it came to withdrawing their support for Trump as the representative leader of their party. 

One thing that has been nice to see in the wake of these allegations are the men who are standing up and recalling their own victimization by the powerful in Hollywood. The truth is that women are not the only victims of this kind of behavior. Young men experience it as well. It is sheds an important light on the issue of sexual abuse and harassment when men tell their own stories. Not only because it is important to recognize that they can be victims, but it also breaks some of the stigma that often surrounds this topic. 

Women who come forward years after an incident are often criticized for waiting so long to tell their stories. Pundits will question the veracity of their claims because they waited. However, men like Terry Crews and James Van Der Beek are recounting events that happened to them years ago. If these strong and capable men waited so long to tell their stories can we really blame women who have much less opportunity for recourse. Accusations like this levied against directors and producers can damage a career. The possibility of being black-balled for roles is a very real prospect that many of these women face.

The truth is that the actions of Weinstein were some of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood. People would warn friends about possibility of being harassed or assaulted by Weinstein. They would recount their stories, and actresses like Angelina Jolie and Kate Beckinsale often refused to work with Weinstein. Weinstein would even joke about how Beckinsale "lived to tell him 'no'" as if the idea that a woman would refuse to work with him because of his behavior was a joke. After all, Weinstein was a very powerful man who headed a major film studio and distributor. Seth MacFarlane took a very personal and public jab at Weinstein when announcing the nominations for the 2013 Academy Awards. Everyone knew, and no one really did anything. Most out of fear of reprisal in the case of the victims, but there were some complicit in these actions. That’s perhaps what disgusts me the most. 

Weinstein isn't the first powerful man to be accused in this way, and he certainly won't be the last until we fix the fundamental problem. This is where feminism not only helps women but men as well.