As anyone who knows me can attest, I am an awkward person.
Usually when I do something incredibly awkward, I slough it off by saying
something like “Awkward panda is awkward.” It’s my way of dealing with the
anxiety that comes along with what would be considered by most to be pretty
normal social interactions.
The thing is though that, every time one of those awkward
social interactions occur, I will spend days analyzing and thinking over the
situation and how it was handled. I wonder if I offended someone. Did I make
that person think less of me because I wasn’t entirely organized or put
together? I try very hard to maintain a sort of structure and organization to
my life and interactions so that people will like and appreciate me. It’s my
own way of maintaining control and trying to mitigate the chaos of life.
As part of this, I sometimes can come off as an arrogant and
annoying know-it-all. I use my ability to recall information about a variety of
different subjects as my armor to deflect from those awkward social
interactions. I figure that much of my contribution to any social situation is going
to be knowledge-based. This is something that goes back to the way I was
treated by my peers and classmates in school. I was always the girl in class
who had the answer. When someone needed help finding the answer to a problem in
the text, I could be counted on to know where the information is located in the
text or just readily have it at my disposal. Because I wasn’t the prettiest or
the most popular of people, I could make myself useful to others in this way
instead.
Now, I have become keenly aware that I tend to over-explain
information in a way that seems to assume that someone is not as capable as me
in understanding a specific area. In these instances, I come across as
condescending. It’s never my intention to be so. For so long, my ability to
recall and explain information has been my main identity. If I’m not the “smart”
girl in the room, then who am I and what can I contribute? It’s difficult to
break out of that mindset.
I have to admit that I tend to do this more so with women
than with men. I think it’s in part because I am trying to distinguish myself
from other women. I’m trying really hard to break out of that internalized
misogyny that pits women as competition against each other, but it’s a hard
thought pattern to break. I tend to do this less with men because it’s been
ingrained by social expectations that men like to be placated and think that
they are the most intelligent person in the room. I try to temper when I will
speak up and correct them or at least try to do so in a way that doesn’t come
across as emasculating to them. I don’t always succeed at either which also contributes
to my social anxiety.
I am very regularly in a state of wondering whether or not
people actually like me or if I’m just useful to them. I think everyone has
this thought at some point. I tend to dwell on this and obsess about it. I
wonder what people say about me when I’m not around. I think over interactions
trying to determine if there was a genuine exchange of friendship or if I’m
just being tolerated. This probably goes back to the way I interacted with
others in school, particularly middle school and high school. There were some
of the more popular kids who seemed to engage with me only when they needed
help on a project or assignment. I wanted to be liked, as most people do, so I
tried my hardest to be as useful to them as possible. Again, it was mostly what
I could do in terms of scholastics that would be most useful to them, so I always
tried to make sure that people knew what I knew and could help them with.
Then there’s the constant state of worry wondering what
people are saying about me when I’m not around. There have been too many times
when I thought someone was a friend, but it ended up that they were only nice
to my face. It was a situation where they would be nice to get what they needed
from me but when I wasn’t around, they would make fun of me or talk about how
annoying I was or any number of things. I was an acquaintance of convenience
rather than someone whose company was actually enjoyed. It’s made me
distrustful in a certain way. I know that I can come across as being too
trusting with some of the more personal details of my life. However, I am
strategic in what I share and with whom. There are certain things that I’ve
decided that I should not be ashamed of and will talk about freely.
Social anxiety is something that I struggle with more so
than I try to let on. It’s a nearly constant state of questioning and
overthinking nearly every interaction I have with someone. I worry if I’m being
too assertive or aggressive. I think about how I worded something in an email,
a post, or just a conversation. I fret about whether or not people are talking
about me behind my back. I wonder if people can see my insecurities and
anxiety. I try to deflect with random knowledge or awkward self-deprecating
humor.
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