I feel invisible.
Now, I don’t say this to elicit pity or as a plea for
attention and compliments. It’s a feeling that most of us have felt but rarely
talk about. That is to say that I am not alone. I want to be clear that women
are just as guilty of what I am going to discuss as much as men, but I can only
speak to my own experiences as a woman.
I’ve been a nerd for as long as I can remember. I was that
girl with her nose always in a book. I got good grades, had the glasses, and
was just generally awkward and shy. Let’s fast forward to the present. I’m a
single woman, who is still as nerdy as ever. I read comic books, sci-fi fantasy,
histories, historical fiction; play board games and RPGs (#THAC0forever); watch movies; and digest hours of TV.
I have a good group of friends. Yet, I still feel invisible.
Like many geek girls, I find myself at odds with a trope
that has been pervasive in pop culture: the manic pixie dream girl. You know
this trope, the cute girl that likes nerdy things and is quirky. It’s the
ultimate male nerd fantasy. But in reality, she doesn’t exist. It is just a
stereotype, and I see women and girls shaping their behavior to try and fit
into this mold. That along with the scary trend of young girls trying to make themselves seem less intelligent than they are so as not to undercut the "fragile male egos" around her saddens me. Women and girls can be both intelligent and sexy. They are not mutually exclusive traits.
I wish I could say that it ends there, but it doesn’t. It’s
not just this manic pixie dream girl. It’s the fantasy of being a nerd yet
somehow landing the hot girlfriend. This is pervasive in popular culture. You
see it all of the time. One of the most popular television comedies uses this
exact situation: The Big Bang Theory.
The nerdy scientists all find attractive even hot wives and girlfriends. It’s
not that this can’t happen in real life, but it’s not always going to happen.
It does tend to leave some of us feeling as though we aren’t seen.
It’s a difficult situation to find myself in, and one I know
that many other people can relate to whether it be male or female. I am not the
only person to listen to someone I like relate how he wishes he could find a girlfriend
who likes the same things as he does. Sometimes, I wish I had Jedi powers and
could just wave my hand and say “I am the girl you’re looking for." I am also certainly not the only person to be told by someone I might think
of as a potential boyfriend that, while he finds nothing wrong with me and
enjoys spending time with me and how much he can nerd out with me about our
common interests, he just doesn’t see us as any more than friends. I've been told that I am unmarriageable because there just isn't that deeper connection that, in reality, can only be developed through dating. It's possible that they are right. I would also
be remiss to not acknowledge that I am guilty of doing the same thing to guys
as well.
I don't blame these guys for feeling the way that they do. I know that people are attracted to who they are attracted
to, yet I can’t help but wonder the impact that media has on this. As nerds, we
like to think that we are above that superficial bullshit, but are we? I wonder
what would happen if just given a chance for a single date. Would we see that
we are indeed better as friends, or might we see that maybe there is something
there after all? Have we been conditioned to look for that spark that
ultimately fades rather than focusing on building a lasting relationship based
on friendship first?
I’m not a tiny girl. I’ll never look like the manic pixie
dream girl or the hot popular girl that many guys dreamed of in high school.
But there is more to me than what’s on the outside. That doesn't necessarily mean that every rejection is based on this. It's hard to say whether or not physical appearance was ultimately the reason for the rejection. When being told that I'm a great person, I just seem to wonder what the issue might be then if it isn't who I am as a person. But these thoughts could just be my own insecurities projected on someone else.
Here's what I do know. I’m the girl who can have an in-depth conversation about why
Captain America is right in Civil War.
I’ll carry on a conversation in movie quotes and make groan-inducing puns. I can detail how the races and
languages of Middle Earth are rooted in the cultural and linguistic traditions
of the British Isles. I’ll snuggle on the couch and binge watch a season of Game of Thrones. I have strong feelings
about who Negan killed on the Walking Dead show versus how it all went down in the comics. I
understand how THAC0 works in 1st and 2nd edition D&D. Some of my favorite people only exist on
the black and white pages of a book I’ve read so many times that the binding is
breaking. I am passionate about the use of the Oxford comma. This list could go on and on.
I want to be seen.
This is everything.
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