I recently re-watched the film Don Jon with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johannson. The film
has an interesting premise in exploring the impact of pornography and
subsequent addiction on relationships. It is clear in the film that the main
character played by JGL has intimacy issues stemming from his frequent
consumption of pornographic material. It is in an interesting psychological
study of the impact of pornography on intimate relationships.
However, at one point in the film, while fighting with his girlfriend,
played by Scarlett Johannson, he remarks that the films she enjoys also
negatively impact their relationship. He is, of course, talking about the
romantic comedy. It’s a valid point. The media we consume can color our
interpersonal relationships, especially if we begin to buy into the bullshit.
The genre of romantic comedy is often formulaic in its
approach to relationships. The films generally operate from the same premise:
the very together woman falls in love with the not-so-perfect guy and changes
him for the better. There have been any number of films that use this idea, and
it has had a negative impact on the way we view relationships.
Often in these films the guy starts by treating the woman with
less respect than she deserves. She just accepts this treatment as though it is
normal, and he just needs to grow as a person. Throughout the film, they go
back and forth in a will-they-won’t-they scenario until he finally realizes
that she is ultimately the girl of his dreams.
I know I am guilty of falling into this kind of thinking. If
only I stick around long enough, he will eventually come to his senses and
realize that we are meant to be together. Ultimately, it won’t matter how he
treats me in the interim because it will all eventually work out and everything
will be perfect, like it is in the movies. This kind of mentality perpetuates
the idea that bad situations will always change for the better when that isn’t
always the case. We fool ourselves into thinking that the rough road is just a
necessary part of the journey. This is sometimes true, but there is also a
limit to the amount of rejection we should accept before we move on.
I was re-reading Shakespeare’s All’s Well that Ends Well, and this is precisely the situation that
heroine of the play, Helena, finds herself in. She is in love with Bertram who
basically treats her like shit. He doesn’t see her or appreciate her for who
she is. Helena is a talented healer and an intelligent woman. She is kind and
selfless. In the play, she uses her knowledge of healing (learned from her
father) to cure the King of France of a debilitating disease. As a reward, she
is promised the hand of any man in the King’s court in marriage. Helena chooses
Bertram. While he marries her rather than defy the King, he is cruel to her
because he does not love her. She is constant in her affection and follows him
off to war where she finds that he is courting another woman. Of course, this
is heartbreaking, but she is undeterred in her quest to win his love. Helena
convinces this other woman to agree to sleep with Bertram, but instead Helena
will take her place in the dark so that she might become pregnant with his
child and obtain a ring as he said she must do in order to earn his affection.
Ultimately, Bertram and Helena are united at the end of the play, but there is
still ambiguity as to whether he is actually reformed or if he is just
fulfilling his promise and the relationship is doomed to more heartbreak for
Helena.
This play could easily be the plot of most romantic
comedies. I mean we have to acknowledge the bed trick is ultimately an act of
rape committed against a man as he was not consenting to have sex with Helena,
but it isn’t much different than a scene in Revenge
of the Nerds that we look at now with a bit of cringing. We’d like to think
that Bertram is reformed by the end of the play and has come to appreciate all
that Helena is. But is he really?
Then there is the question of Helena herself. Why does she
go down this path to pursue someone who clearly does not love her? She clearly
thinks that Bertram is above her as he is nobility and thus of a higher social
status. Yet, this isn’t so much about Helena trying to climb the social ladder.
There is a clear understanding on her part that she will probably never be
worthy of his love because of the difference in social standing, but this doesn’t
stop her from dreaming of her “prince.” It seems to be less about her love for
him but more about her love of the idea of him. She idealizes him and refuses
to see the imperfections in his character because he is nobility and therefore
has the potential to be better than he is. This makes her more willing to accept
his ill treatment because she sees it as a temporary set of circumstance rather
than his actual character. It’s denial in the most classic sense. It’s just not
possible in her mind that Bertram is just an asshole; it must be some fault in
her that causes him to treat her poorly. If only she could make herself better,
then he might love her. She has to make herself better in order to deserve his
love. It's a classic case of internalized misogyny.
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